The lifelong quest to meet my teenage crush, Melissa Sue Anderson, takes me to Old Tucson, where they filmed episodes of the TV show Little House on the Prairie from 1977-83. Anderson played Mary Ingalls, the oldest daughter of Charles (Michael Landon) and Caroline (Karen Grassle) Ingalls. I have absolutely no interest in the annoying middle child, “Half Pint” Laura (Melissa Gilbert) or the runt of the family, Carrie (played simultaneously and non-verbally by identical twins Lindsay and Sidney Greenbush).
I figure the $21.95 entry fee to the town, built in 1939 for the Western film Arizona, is worth it. Maybe she works here, signing autographs for a living a la Pete Rose.
I ask the woman behind the booth if I can see Mary Ingalls, and she points me in the direction of the Shelton Hall Movie Museum. Inside I find costumes, posters and props from the more than 400 commercials, TV shows (Rawhide, The High Chaparral, Bonanza, Gunsmoke) and movies (3:10 to Yuma, Gunfight at the O.K. Corral, Joe Kidd and my personal favorite, Night of the Lepus) filmed here. There was one of those gaudy vests from Bonanza, worn outlandishly by actor Lorne Greene. The Old West was never more colorful than it was portrayed in Bonanza. But no Mary.
Around the corner there were three cowboy stuntmen, teaching a couple of lady tourists how to stage a fight in front of a captive crowd. Both women clock their counterparts on cue, with fake blood gushing out of the mouth of one dude. A gunfight breaks out and the men demonstrate 30-foot falls flawlessly, one flipping off a rooftop while another rides the top of a ladder all the way into a cloud of dust. These guys are good! But no Mary.
I go to the saloon, where a trio of showgirls sing theme songs to Western classics. I must admit, I enjoy “Do Not Forsake Me, Oh My Darling” from High Noon, although I do not recall Gary Cooper or Grace Kelly breaking out in song – even after blowing away Frank Miller and his gang. And, as an aside, they did not film High Noon in Old Tucson. Hombre and McLintock! and Dirty Dingus Magee, yes. High Noon, no.
After the theme song from The Lone Ranger, I approach the saloon girls and ask, “Is Mary Ingalls here? Maybe in the brothel upstairs?”
They remind me that Little House on the Prairie does not have a brothel. And that in the series, Mary goes blind after she contracts scarlet fever. And that Mary is married.
I’m disappointed that there is no brothel in this Old Tucson saloon (maybe there is a whorehouse somewhere else in this Walnut Creek, Minnesota, TV town?). I thank the showgirls and head toward the door, but not before offering this correction: It was actually viral meningoencephalitis that made Mary go blind. FYI.
And Mary did indeed get married in the show. To the (yawn) Adam Kendall character (as played by Linwood Boomer, who would go one to create the sitcom Malcom in the Middle).
So, maybe it wasn’t Little House on the Prairie after all. Maybe it was the pilot for James at 15 (and, later, 16) where I fell for Melissa Sue Anderson. That takes place in Boston, a long way from Old Tucson.
NOTE: The very fun Old Tucson is open daily from 9 am to 5 pm from September through April and weekends during the summer.
