Volume 4: February 2020

Destination Woo-WHO Wuhan!

Looking for a quiet place to get away for Valentine’s Day? I read on the internet that you can get a great deal on a hotel room in Wuhon, China. I really want to leave tomorrow, but my Kayak.com search for flights out of Chicago O’Hare (ORD to WUH) returns absolutely nada until February 13. After that you can fly via Taipei thru Macau or Chongqing on EVA Air (Taiwan) or Air Macau (China) or China Eastern.

OK. I don’t really want to go to Wuhan. Certainly not by February 13. And why risk it? Honestly, I believe the novel coronavirus will become a pandemic in about the same way that I believed actor Jussie Smollett was beaten up by white supremacists or Ukraine International Airlines Flight 752 crashed due to mechanical difficulties. And boy, did the folks at Dos Equis, Modelo and Tecate miss out!

Meanwhile, according the World Health Organization (WHO), the United States recorded 60,940 cases of influenza in one week (January 20-26, 2020), while the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) estimates 34,157 people died from the seasonal flu in 2019 on top of an estimated 61,000 deaths in 2018. Compare those figures with current numbers on the coronavirus on the wacky website, Worldometer, and you’ll get what I mean: That maybe, just maybe, we are nowhere near Defcon 1 (FYI, 1962’s Cuban Missile Crisis was the highest level ever initiated at Defcon 2 / Defcon 3).

So go ahead world. Ban travel to Wuhan. Criticize the Chinese government. Say a prayer for “eternal hero” Li Wenliang. But please, please, please world – whatever you do – do NOT order the pangolin. The panda is much more delicious.

QUOTE:

“Fill your life with experiences, not things. Have stories to tell, not stuff to show.”
– Unknown

WTF? NEWSLETTER

READER POLL:

WHERE'S THE FUNNY? In corruption ...

In all my years of travel, I can recall only a few occasions where I was asked to make an unlawful payment to a public official. It’s never actually called a “bribe.” It’s always a “tax” or “fee” or “fine” or, one time, a “present.”

In Argentina, it was the border policeman with his hand out, at the Chile crossing west of Mendoza. In the generally lawless frontier town of Ciudad del Este, Paraguay – where counterfeit Chanel No. 5, condoms and cocaine (in that order) flowed – it was also at the border, for the stamp needed to cross the bridge to Foz do Iguaçu, Brazil, for the day.

The most memorable payment took place with friends, just outside of Tijuana on the road to Rosarito, in Baja California, Mexico. We had been stuck in a traffic jam when a Federale on a motorcycle approached our car. The California plates never help.

“What’s wrong, officer?” I asked.

“Speeding,” he replied. The car hadn’t budged in more than 30 minutes. “Do you want to go to prison? It may take weeks to see a judge,” he said.

I knew better than to argue and wanted no part of a Mexican jail. I had seen Charles Bronson in “Breakout,” where crazy Randy Quaid flies a junky old helicopter to bust (Bronson’s real life wife) Jill Ireland‘s movie husband, Robert Duvall, out of a horrific Mexican prison.

The standard “fee” at the time was US$20 – for any offense, I suspected, including murder. So I paid and went back to sitting in traffic.

It wasn’t like we weren’t prepared for chicanery. My friend had a secret “Get Out of Jail Free” card in his wallet – a business card with the Tijuana Mayor’s name on it. Supposedly, this “el Jefe“ was a friend of a friend of a friend of some guy my friend sort of knew in San Diego.

It was only to be used in case of an emergency, like after stealing a pack of Marlboro cigarettes and getting tossed out of the Laser Club Oh! disco. Exactly – like then.

SIDEBAR: 2019 CORRUPTION PERCEPTIONS INDEX

Planning a trip? The Corruption Perceptions Index 2019 ranks 180 countries and territories by their perceived levels of public sector corruption, according to experts and business people in a survey from Transparency International: the Global Coalition Against Corruption. This year’s analysis (see Global Highlights) shows corruption is more pervasive in countries where big money can flow freely into electoral campaigns and where governments listen only to the voices of wealthy or well-connected individuals.

According to the survey, New Zealand, Denmark and Finland are the least corrupt nations, while Syria, South Sudan and Somalia are at the bottom. The United States and France are tied for 23rd, between Uruguay and Bhutan.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Instead of country by country, wouldn’t it be interesting to see a ranking or regional or global organizations, including corporations as well as non-profits? Imagine a periodic, unbiased external review of Google, Apple, Total SA, Huawei or the Kingdom Holding Company? Or the European Commission, International Olympic Committee, United Nations, World Bank, International Monetary Fund, Fédération Internationale de Football Association (FIFA) or the NCAA? Or Transparency International! And then I woke up.

LISTICLE: Québec City

Some cool things to do and see in the summer

If you happen to find yourself in Québec City this summer, stay near the Plaines d’Abraham park in the “upper city,” so you can always walk downhill during the day (and taxi back). Or, check out the hipsters and nightlife down below in the Saint-Roch neighborhood. Here are a key things to see during any summer visit:

Festival d’été de Québec (FEQ), July 9-19, 2020: This is an annual 11-day very family friendly music festival that takes place in Québec City. It’s nice because the hours for the main attractions are 6 pm to 11 pm. HOT TIP: If you are only in town for a few days at the start of FEQ, buy a full festival pass for about US$85 – then easily sell it to another tourist for US$20-50 when you leave. In 2019 there was no personal ID attached to the ticket, although there is a chip that records every gate entry and departure. Music comes in all genres, in mostly French and English. I saw random acts such as Nick Murphy (Chet Faker), Lynyrd Skynyrd, Canadian rock star Corey Hart and the iconic Claud DuBois – the Neil Diamond of Canada – as I roamed the grounds. This year’s lineup has yet to be announced.
Le Parc de la Chute-Montmorency: Rent a bike, and if you can manage to decipher the bike path signage (often covered in graffiti), then take the nice flat Corridor du Littoral (31 miles in total length) path along the Saint Lawrence River. It’s less than an hour’s ride to the spectacular Montmorency Falls (98 feet higher than Niagara!) from Saint-Roch. And when you get there, you can climb the 487 steps to the top, have a poutine lunch at one of the food trucks, cross the suspension bridge and take the cable car back down to your bike. Or take the cable car up and the steps down, if you’re not feeling it! The falls are
Visit Île d’Orléans: From downtown, drive about 15 minutes and over the bridge to this historic island home of cider, wine, ice cream and chocolate. Again, if you are a cyclist, park the car at Sainte-Pétronille Church, and start counter-clockwise (because of the wind). It’s 42 miles around, but you can cut across to make 10, 20 and 42 mile routes (PDF). Fuel up at the Chocolaterie de l’Ile d’Orleans.
BONUS: During the summer months, enjoy great people watching and a splash in the pool at La Cour arrière du Festibière – literally a backyard beer fest – in the heart of the Old Port of Québec. Open in June.

IN PRACTICUM

TRIP PLANNER: So you want to rent a minivan ... for a month

Road Trip to Phoenix 2020 will take place from February 17 thru March 18 and, like last year, I am in need of a minivan. In 2019, I found a relatively new and highly specialized company: Airport Van Rental (AVR). They only work out of major airports, like Chicago O’Hare International Airport (ORD), but the price was right – US$875 prepaid for 28 days, with unlimited mileage. There was a 250 miles per day cap, but it was cumulative – meaning, I could travel up to 7,000 miles (250 x 28 days).

A comparable rental elsewhere? Anywhere from $1,100 to $1,500 or more. And believe me, I do my due diligence. I look online for coupons and membership discounts, and play with travel dates. I check my United, American and Delta airline reward programs, to see if I could split the cost between points and cash. I even research car sharing sites, like Turo. Finally, I call the company with the best deal and ask, “Can you do any better?” You’d be surprised how often they say “Yes.”

With the legwork done, the 2020 rental should be a snap, right? Just call AVR. Well, I did, and they had that same great rate – $846.43 for 28 days. But, this time, the rules had changed. The daily mileage allowance actually increased from 250 to 375 miles, but the new rules impose a 3,000 mile cap. My 2019 trip was 4,200 miles! Now, any miles beyond this 3,000 threshold would cost a jaw-dropping $5 per mile!

This was strictly a local rule (probably because of me and my 4,200 mile “local” rental last year!) and not companywide. According to the fine print, an exception could be made with “written permission” from the executive in charge of the branch. So, of course, I asked. The AVR offer? The extra charge would be reduced from $5 to $0.50 per mile, which for this trip would still cost me at least another $400 to $600 on top of the base rate. Thanks but no thanks, and it was back to square one.

In the end, after more research online and a few calls, I settled on a minivan from Budget: $1,080 prepaid for 31 days, unlimited mileage from a local branch a few blocks from home, so no need to schlep an hour out to the airport. No 28 day limit, which will give me some extra time to sightsee. And absolutely, unequivocally no mileage cap. On top of that, Budget’s final rate was 10 percent lower than what I found online, because I asked the agent if there was a discount if I prepaid. It never hurts to ask. And sometimes, it pays.

RENTAL PREP: Answer these questions first

How many days will I need the van?
How many total miles will I drive?
Is there a daily mileage cap per rental?
Is there a cumulative mileage cap per rental?
Is it possible to extend a rental?
If so, how? Can I do it over the phone or online? Or does it have to be in person?
Am I being charged a weekly or daily rate?
Are any membership discounts available? (e.g. AAA, AARP etc.)
Is there a discount if I prepay?
Is there a discount if I sign up to a company loyalty / rewards program?

QUICK SPINS

PRESTO CHRISTO: The joy of art on a grand scale – now that's a wrap!

It seems like only yesterday that Bulgarian-born artist Christo Vladimirov Javacheff (aka “Christo“) and his collaborator wife, Jeanne-Claude, were busy cleaning up the more than 1 million square feet of fabric and 9.7 miles of rope used to wrap the Reichstag in Berlin, but it’s actually been 25 years!

Jeanne-Claude died of a brain aneurysm in 2009, but Christo is still at it. And this year, from September 19 through October 4, the iconic L’Arc de Triomphe in Paris will be draped in a silvery blue and bundled in miles of thick red rope – to complete a project conceived back in 1962.

Given the history of the yellow vest populist protest movement in France, let’s just hope Christo will use a flame retardant fabric. Otherwise, he could have another unfortunate insurance claim on his creative hands – like, when Lori Rae Keevil-Mathews was crushed by a flying 19-foot, 488-pound yellow umbrella while viewing (of course) “Umbrellas,” Christo’s 1991 installation at Kern County’s Tejon Ranch outside Bakersfield, California. Not much joy in that.

NOTE: Check out The Mastaba, another planned Christo mega project, to be built (some day) in Abu Dhabi.

R.I.P. KOBE: Airplanes / helicopters safer than cars? It's apples and oranges

It’s the last thing I want to read before I embark on another 4,200 mile road trip, but according to one analysis, automobile travel is by far the most dangerous form of travel.

Using commercial airline safety records as the benchmark, the so-called “Death Index” below says, for example, that you are 20 times more likely to die on a train trip than a flight (over comparable distances).

Alas, you can’t easily compare airline and helicopter travel data with automobile stats. And, if you read some of the comments on the linked story above, you’ll soon realize the safest place to take your next vacation is … at home and in bed.

TRANSPORTATION MODE	DEATH INDEX
Airlines	1
Intercity rail (Amtrak)	20.0
Scheduled charter flights	34.3
Mass transit (rail and bus)	49.8
Non-scheduled charter flights	59.5
Non-scheduled helicopter flights	63.0
General aviation (like private planes)	271.7
Driving or riding in a car/SUV	453.6

Chart data compiled and analyzed from the National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB), U.S. Department of Transportation (DOT) via Diio Mi (database intelligence tools) and National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA)

LIVE LIKE ROYALTY: Prince Harry and HRH Meghan left all this behind?

It may be difficult to fit the family flail into the overhead compartment, but curious travelers in search of a Middle Age adventure should look into The Landmark Trust, which manages a portfolio of more than 200 castles and cottages across the heretofore less United Kingdom, as well as Belgium, France and Italy.

The 1 percenters may not want the peasants to know, but renting a castle can be quite affordable. Ours, the 1508 Saddell Castle near Campbeltown, Scotland, cost US$265 per person – total! – six people for four nights.

This particular castle, which sleeps up to eight, is self service but does include some basic modernities, such as electricity – important! – a dishwasher, microwave oven and space heaters for the (as expected) cool and damp 16th century bedrooms.

There’s a cool spiral staircase that goes all the way to the roof, an enormous living room fireplace and a gigantic table off the kitchen where your group can all feast on roast beast. We played the board game, Trivial Pursuit, failing miserably at the UK version, which asks questions like, “In what month did Sir William Wallace fight the Battle of Stirling Bridge?” C’mon now!

This castle, which sits on a beautiful stretch of beach, also includes a nosy yet mysterious caretaker neighbor as well as a “murder hole” – more than enough to discourage intruders.

A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS: The Jackass penguin colony (and friends) at Stony Point, near Betty's Bay, South Africa

Stony Point is a little gem in Betty’s Bay, about 90 km east of Cape Town. It is home to one of only two land-based (rather than island) penguin colonies in South Africa. A leopard knocked off 33 of the birds in 2016 (eating only two). The rock hyrax (aka dassie) also lives here, which seems far away from its closest genetic relative: the elephant! And that, my friends, is why I was never any good at science.

QUESTIONS OR COMMENTS?

First, thank you for reading this newsletter. If you have any questions about anything that appears here, please do not hesitate to contact me directly via email at: hello@wheresthefunny.blog.

PREVIOUS NEWSLETTERS

Where’s the Funny? Volume 1 (November 2019)
Where’s the Funny? Volume 2 (December 2019)
Where’s the Funny? Volume 3 (January 2020)